I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
