he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You're a waste of cheezeits
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I deserve this hangover.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
