I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
