I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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