Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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