yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
