I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize