new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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