just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
