Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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