i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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