But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
