All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
