Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize