i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
