You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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