It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
