can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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