So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize