We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
