theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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