Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
