fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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