Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
