There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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