Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
