I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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