He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
