Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
