I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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