Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
