and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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