I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
