You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
