i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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