That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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