I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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