I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
