I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
How does it feel to date your dad?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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