When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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