Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
