Say something about gay babies.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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