remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
