Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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