You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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