the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
