Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
