The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
