I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
