We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
