I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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