I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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