I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
