gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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