Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
