What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
