3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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