Four minutes until I can fart!
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
