i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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