remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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