Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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