I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
