JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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