he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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