His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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