The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
