I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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