Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
