I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The uberlube is also flammable
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
