I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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