I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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