I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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